The real risks clothes pose

No, she wasn't "asking for it"

Hello! If you’re new to POWERS, welcome! To those returning, welcome back! My name is Carolyn Fallert. I’m a five-foot-three writer and former ballerina sharing my self-defense journey. Here, I share practices to help you reclaim your protection, peace, and power. Thanks for being here!

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You can listen to a recording of this post here…

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“You are NOT wearing that to school. Go back upstairs and change,” my mom said one early morning during my freshman year of high school.

I was wearing mid-rise jeans and a short-sleeve, seafoam green cardigan with daisy-shaped buttons secured up to my neck. There was only one problem: the sweater was short enough to reveal a sliver of midriff when I raised my arms.

“MOM,” I protested. “It’s a cardigan! I dress so conservatively all the time!”

My mother’s standards of modesty were a galaxy away from what girls wore at school: low-cut tank tops, ripped booty shorts, and low-rise jeans with thongs peeking out the back. Her strictly-imposed dress code requiring covered shoulders, legs, chest, and midriff felt punitive for crimes I had not committed.

She called on my dad for reinforcements. “You don’t understand how teenage boys think,” he said. He agreed with my mother. I needed to go upstairs and change.

Stomping back upstairs, I felt furious and stuck between two impossible standards. On one hand, there was the social pressure to appear attractive: thin, silky straight hair, clear complexion, neat eyebrows, and stylish. On the other was the damnation of attracting too much or the wrong type of attention.

Getting dressed felt like a game I was destined to lose. It didn’t help that I had transferred from an all-girls middle school where I wore the same kilt every day (and washed it about once a year). I found fashion daunting. The sights, sounds, and smells of shopping malls were over-stimulating. I often deferred to my mother’s clothing suggestions to minimize conflict, which meant abandoning all hope of being trendy.

So, when I did manage to put together an outfit that made me feel good, it felt like a feat worthy of an Olympic gold medal. My illusion of success that morning made Mom and Dad’s condemnation that much bigger of a blow.

With a few decades of perspective, I can understand now that my parents were trying to protect me from unwanted sexual advances.

What they didn’t realize is that my modest clothing had not and would not protect me from sexual harassment or assault.

I recently came across some research that validates what I already knew on that morning in high school: there is no correlation between what girls and women wear and whether an attacker targets them with assault. To learn more about the research, you can check out this Washington Post article, “Why dress code can’t stop sexual assault.” The art installation, What Were You Wearing?, also depicts this truth in a powerful way.

Despite this evidence, my parents are not the only people to perpetuate the myth that certain clothes attract assault. Police officers often ask victims what they were wearing at the time of the crime. In response to women’s fashion choices, people often say, “She’s asking for it.”

Collectively, we struggle to accept the truth: Clothing does not and never will communicate consent. Focusing on a victim’s fashion choices blames the victim for the violent actions of an attacker when a sexual assault is never the victim’s fault.

According to Rape Action Defense (R.A.D.), the real risk clothes pose is restriction to our mobility. When confronted by an attacker, we want the option to defend ourselves and escape to a high-witness area. Certain types of clothes may restrict the movement of our legs, the rotation of our shoulders, and/or our ability to run.

When I put on my suede pencil skirt and snake-print pumps, I risk not being able to run as quickly as I could in slacks and sneakers. (Though, as a ballerina comfortable on my toes, I’m pretty speedy in heels. And a stiletto to the stomach could do some serious damage.)

I also love these clothes.

It’s taken me decades to rediscover a style that feels like my own. Today, I aspire to dress like the three-year-old version of me, glamorous and unapologetic.

The paint-splattered apron is so ahead of its time

Perhaps the other, real risk clothes pose is their false promise to keep us safe, both physically and socially. We’re conditioned to believe that high-waist pants, peasant dresses, and turtle neck sweaters will protect us from assault. We’re also led to believe that certain clothes will keep us safe from ridicule or rejection and ensure our social acceptance.

But, when we surrender to these beliefs, we surrender our power. We surrender to fast fashion companies who set the trends. We surrender to other people’s acceptance or rejection of us. We surrender to the myth that our clothes communicate consent and that we are responsible for an attacker’s actions.

And, when we give our power away, it’s easy to forget the powers we already have…

… the power to choose the clothes that feel good on our bodies.

… the power to discover a style that reflects how we feel within.

… the power to feel confident no matter the clothes we’re in.

… the power to respond to violated boundaries.

… the power to cultivate safety within.

It’s these powers that help keep us safe.

Reclaiming my power starts by dressing for the younger version of myself, letting her wear whatever she wants when she wants, slivers of midriff, paint-splattered aprons, and all.

And I’d love to hear from you: What is something in your closet you love to wear? How does it make you feel? Feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM!

Take care out there.

Carolyn

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POWERS Play

There’s power in pleasure. When I practice play, I’m filled with positive energy. That positive energy empowers me to show up not only for myself, but also for my community. It gives me a strategic advantage in life… like a power play.

In this corner of my newsletter, I share my latest moments of play and pleasure, an essential part of how I reconnect with my power:

• Admiring the beautiful cherry blossoms in Pittsburgh.

• Investing in a new coffee table for our living room. Look at us adulting.

• Dancing to Raye’s “Where the Hell is my Husband” on full blast at an outdoor Zumba class in Highland Park with people of all sizes, ages, and races. Such a beautiful celebration of spring!

• Listening to This Story Might Save Your Life by Tiffany Crumb on audiobook. This mystery, thriller, romance novel had be guessing until the very end. So many twists and turns!

• Reading How to Manifest by Lacy Phillips, founder of To Be Magnetic. This book is helping me articulate and root my creative goals in things that delighted me as a kid. For anyone looking to invite new things into their life, I highly recommend!

• Discovering Raising Appalachia and listening to their song, “Resilient”, on repeat. Love these lyrics.

• Snacking on potato chips and cottage cheese. This was a snack my mom always loved eating and I find addictive. I know it sounds a little weird, but don’t yuck my yum until you’ve tried it.

• Sneaking a hot, delicious, sugary Belgian waffle into a movie theater

  

  

  

Where are you finding play and positive energy? Leave a comment or send me a DM, and I’ll add it to the POWERS Play section of my next newsletter!

Here are some recent moments of play from all of you:

• From palooka: “I’m watching All The Light We Cannot See and a woman on here is reading the book so we will plan to discuss it like a book club!!”

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