How to defend good feelings

I tend to sabotage joy. Do you?

Chris and I might be crazy. Two weeks ago, we packed up our Subaru Outback and drove over 2,000 miles from Pittsburgh, PA to Park City, Utah. We plan to spend the next four months here.

This adventure started as a daydream about a year ago. “How cool would it be to spend an entire winter out west?” Chris asked me. We fantasized about snowy mountains, big skies, and skiing. It felt like an indulgent, wild, even reckless thing to do.

“What if we did?” I asked. “What’s stopping us?” As we imagined playing in the snow during the dark months of the year, we realized it wasn’t impossible. We both work remotely. We don’t have kids. We are incredibly fortunate to have the financial resources to make it possible. The Subaru is in good enough shape to survive a cross-country drive.

Before long, we set plans in motion.

As we drove cross-country last week, we left behind the comfortable and familiar in pursuit of joy.

Our first day in Park City was delightful. After snoozing and cuddling with our pup, we visited a local coffee shop for breakfast. Sitting with a warm cup of tea, I looked up at the majestic mountains in the distance with Chris by my side. I felt pure joy. It ignited my spine and sparkled down the sides of my legs.

The joy was so powerful it felt disorienting. Like, it was too good to be true. There had to be a catch. There was no way I was worthy of being so happy. Something must be wrong. Or, I must be doing something wrong.

My mind started to spiral.

I’ve been afraid of joy for a long time. So terrified that I’m likely to sabotage it. When Chris holds me and gives me a big kiss, my mind often critiques my body, sometimes spiraling into self-disgust. When a friend showers me with words of praise, I feel drawn to the bathroom mirror to pick at blemishes on my skin. When I treat myself to a sick pair of stilletos, an inner voice berates me for being indulgent and fiscally irresponsible.

Apparently, I’m not alone in this habit. A few months ago, I picked up a book, The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.

According to Hendricks, we often have an “Upper Limit” to feeling good – like an internal thermostat for happiness. When good feelings get higher than our thermostat setting, some people (like me!) feel compelled to sabotage their happiness and lower the temperature.

Hendricks explains that our thermostat is usually set when we’re kids. He observes four false beliefs and/or fears that we may internalize during childhood that can prevent us from feeling good:

(1) We falsely believe we’re not worthy of feeling good

(2) We fear we’ll outshine other people, potentially inciting envy

(3) We fear abandoning or being disloyal to others

(4) We falsely believe that living our best life will be a burden on others

For me, these fears and false beliefs are familiar. Living below my Upper Limit is comfortable. And I often sabotage my joy.

In self-defense, our ultimate goal is to stay safe and get home alive. But I don’t just want to survive — I want to thrive. And to thrive, I need to live beyond my Upper Limit.

Hendricks believes that, with time and practice, we can increase our Upper Limit. We can expand our capacity for joy by…

(1) Letting ourselves feel the good feelings in our life

(2) Noticing when and how we sabotage these good feelings

(3) Identifying the false beliefs or fears that limit our good feelings

(4) Reflecting on and challenging these limiting beliefs

(5) Intentionally pushing past our Upper Limit to invite more good feelings into our life and realizing we are safe with them

This happens slowly, over time. It’s a practice. As we increase our Upper Limit, we expand our capacity for abundance, success, love, joy, and everything else that feels good. We begin to thrive.

As I stand in awe of majestic mountains with Chris this winter, I hope to increase my Upper Limit. I’m ready to leave behind the comfortable and familiar in pursuit of joy.

This, too, feels like a practice of self-defense.

What would you love to do that feels indulgent, wild, or even reckless? Are there ways you can invite some of that fantasy into your life? Can you expand your capacity to feel the good feelings that come with it?

I’d love to hear about it.

With fist bumps & fancy pumps,

Carolyn

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